Any more you can’t get through the holidays without being made painfully aware of the parade of Christmas-themed Hallmark movies (and Hallmark knockoffs) airing on multiple cable channels and streaming online.

This outpouring of cinematic treacle begins well before Halloween and may even last until after New Year’s. I couldn’t say for sure when it ends because by January 1st I’ve usually sworn off confection of all kinds.

Still, I must confess that I do watch at least a few Hallmark films with my wife—and even enjoy them. We like to analyze the productions and then rate how the writers fared in producing something compelling and novel while adhering to what is admittedly a restrictive formula.

Current Hallmark Favorites

  • Holiday Crashers

    The antics of two party-crashing besties comes back to haunt them when a romantic interest learns one isn’t all she pretends to be. (My wife especially likes the Bollywood homage at the end.)
  • Merry Christmas, Ted Cooper!

    A TV weatherman must overcome a string of holiday mishaps—and his own penchant for extreme people-pleasing—to advance his career and find true love.
  • Mistletoe Murders

    A perky redhead who runs a Christmas shop has a dark secret, which helps her solve murders and kick bad-guy butt.

In my experience, to earn the Hallmark stamp of approval a movie has to have:

  • Unexpected romance;
  • Supporting characters who urge the principles to fan the flames of passion for each other;
  • Excessive amounts of Christmas eye candy (does anyone really string colored lights inside their commuter van?);
  • A crisis that threatens to divide the leading couple exactly twenty minutes before the credits roll;
  • And above all else—a happy ending.

This final, inviolable trope is also something I like.

Taking A Dark Turn

But to return to for a moment to the stark reality outside the Hallmark wonderland, I have to ask: Why happy endings at Christmas?

Very much like life in general, the original Yuletide story was not all sweetness and light. The gospel writers packed into the narrative plot points that are not only frightfully weird, but touch on the macabre. When various angels, for example, materialize suddenly from the spiritual realm to announce the coming of mankind’s savior, they understandably have to start by urging their audience not to freak out.

Given the context, it’s difficult not to dismiss “I bring good tidings of great joy” as more or less a disclaimer.

And what of the dark events following Christ’s birth? Herod’s fear that the advent of a new king might undermine his own reign goaded him into ordering mass infanticide. Joseph and his family escaped the sword only because of another timely angelic apparition.

Don’t Miss The Big Finish

Yet the gospels leave readers without a felicitous conclusion. Yes, Christ is crucified; he rises triumphant over death and hell; he ascends into heaven. As he fades into the clouds, angels assure those on the scene that Jesus will come again quickly to banish sorrow and make all things new.

But the tale is as yet unfinished. Christ has not returned. Does this delay mean the promise of the New Testament is as phony as the plastic snow on a Hollywood sound stage?

Absolutely not. Consider: Most Hallmark productions end by merely implying that the principles have finally found sustaining love. As for the rest—the wedding vows, the arduous task of providing mutual comfort, raising children, the faithfulness unto death—these aspects of a committed relationship the viewers must extrapolate based on 90 minutes of warm fuzzies and a handful of laughs.

In a similar way the Christmas narrative only laid the groundwork for the sequel. Skip ahead to Revelation, you’ll find the script for the ultimate happy ending has already been written. All we’re lacking is for our heavenly father to cue Christ onto the scene. And believe me, from what I’ve read it’s a finale worth waiting for.

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